


Wish I Were Here

by the_final_pam



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: 70s AU, Evan has one gay thought and goes haywire, Fluff, Gay Evan?, Heidi is kinda implied to be homophobic, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, It's Unclear, Kinda, M/M, The F Slur, just once, kinda slow burn, sorry heidi, yeah I write that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26894641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_final_pam/pseuds/the_final_pam
Summary: And for a moment, just a split second, Evan wants to kiss him.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 46





	Wish I Were Here

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Wish I Were Here from Next to Normal

Someone was getting beat up behind the school.

Evan knew the signs, some social outcast goes outside and is quickly followed by whoever is in a bad mood that day.

It’s happened too much to Evan for him not to notice, he can ignore it though.

Evan would normally help, or normally want to help. He’s at least aware that he’s too pussy to actually face the guys who beat him up every other week. 

Hell, his lip was still bruised, no way is he stepping in now. 

Anyway, it wasn’t just some poor innocent soul who went back there it was Connor Murphy.

Evan and Connor walk around the school, a secret route to avoid the back for a year or too. They’ve never talked, though, never even made eye contact.

But Connor was Things. Things that Evan wasn’t. Bad things. 

Evan thinks he’s the only non-bully who knows about Connor. He had been tip toeing around the side of the school. 

The guy, he thinks Brian was calling Connor a fag. 

That wasn’t alarming in and of itself, everyone called anyone they didn’t like fag. Evan wouldn’t have suspected anything if Connor hadn’t responded. 

“So? What if I am?” His voice had been loud and cold, but still defensive.

Evan ran off. 

He avoided Connor even more than he did before,telling himself it was because he hated Connor. 

He knew that wasn’t why. 

How could he not know when it was the only thing he could think about for hours on end.

He avoided Connor because he  _ didn’t  _ hate him. 

Evan should hate him, Connor is doing something sinful. 

The fact that Evan doesn’t know why he doesn’t hate Connor is so confusing that it hurts. It makes him hate himself just that much more. 

* * *

Evan may try avoiding talking or making eye contact with Connor but he still watched him. He looked at him in the 3 classes they shared together, the hallways, the route they both take to avoid the back of the school. 

Evan found that route long after Connor did, halfway through 10th grade, the first week that Evan took it Connor kind of glared at him, now it felt normal. 

Looking back, Connor had always appeared in Evan’s life more than he realized. 

* * *

2 weeks into Evan’s confusion of Why He Doesn’t Hate Connor, he struck up a conversation on the route around the school.

“Uh, hi?” Evan said, keeping his eyes trained on his shoes. 

“Hi?”

Evan stayed silent

“2 and a half years of taking this route and that’s all you say”

“Sorry”

“What?”

“I know it just took me a while to say anything so you were probably really confused as to why I started talking no-”

“Gonna have to save it for tomorrow cause we’re out” Connor heads out and into the school parking lot, hoping into what Evan assumes (hopes) is his car, and heads down the same direction Evan’s house is.

God, Connor is probably going to think he’s stalking him for walking right next to his car

Connor stops his car, rolls down the hand, slowly working the handle and looks back up at Evan.

“Need a ride Hansen?”

“No! I mean yeah i do but I probably live like really far away so-”

“Where do you live?”

“The end of 7th street” Evan says, forcing himself to keep eye contact.

“That’s like a 10 minute walk from my place, 5 minute drive tops, hop in”

Evan does get in, the drive is tense and quiet despite the song playing that EVan’s not paying attention. 

They reach 7th street and reaches for the handle, waiting for Connor to stop the car.

“Didn’t you say you lived at the  _ end _ of the street?”

“I- yeah. I did. I do”

“And you’re trying to leave here, why?”

“I mean you drove me to my street and I don’t want to be even more of a burned-”

Connor groans and moves Evans hand from the handle back to his lap.

“I offered because I wanted to, we’re driving to the end of the street”

Evan offers a meek nod and looks up at Connor. 

Wasn’t he supposed to hate him or something?

* * *

Connor started driving him home, no matter how much Evan refuses.

Every day they would walk the route around the school, Connor drives his home, music blasting and no conversation.

Evan wants to talk to him, why wouldn’t he? Except for the thing, which Evan’s starting to forget while they’re together. He doesn’t know what to feel about it. 

* * *

Evan went behind the school today.

The route had slipped his mind, too stressed over tomorrow's presentation. 

Luck was not in Evan’s favor that day.

He’s not sure having Connor find him like that is good luck.

Connor practically drags Evan into his car, asking  _ who did this _ and  _ where it hurts _ and probably other things but Evan’s losing consciousness. 

Right before he passes out he sleepily registers that Connor is crying.

* * *

Evan wakes up in Connor’s car.

He hazily looks out the window, they’re parked outside some run down gas station that Evan’s never heard of. 

He checks the big clock above the gas prices, it reads 6:46.

He’s been asleep in Connor’s car for nearly 4 hours. 

He’s not too worried about Heidi wondering where he is, more about if Connor’s parents are worried.

He lolls his head to the other side of the car, Connor’s not there.

That jolts him up enough that he sits up right, quickly checking the back seat. No Connor. 

When he thinks about it, there’s no good way to handle this situation.

If he leaves when Connor comes back he may be worried and go to the police station or something.

If he stays then Connor might be expecting him to leave and yell at him if he doesn’t.

He stays. He’s better at handling anger than the idea of Connor worrying. He’s got the bruises to prove it.

He looked in the rear view mirror, checked the damage, nothing bad, no shiner like he was expecting. 

He has a few scrapes on his cheek, probably from hitting the cement too hard. His arms are a bit ruffed up, a bruise or two he can hide with a sweatshirt, the normal stuff.

Evan looks outside the drivers side window and sees connor walking towards the car, a plastic bag in his hand. 

Connor looks up and notices he’s awake and quickly rushes to the car, pulling out his keys for a second before Evan leans over and opens the door for him.

Connor quickly gets in the car and drops the bag next to him.

“Jesus christ you’ve been asleep for-”

“Four hours, yep I’m aware”

“There’s a phone in the gas station if you need to call your mom or dad”

“Just mom and she’s working the graveyard shift for the next few months so” Evan trails off.

“Oh” Connor grabs the bag and opens it in front of Evan “I bought snacks”

And for a moment, just a split second, Evan wants to kiss him.

* * *

The thoughts Evan had from last week in the car have not gone away, just becoming louder, more persistent. 

Once he’s finished up his schoolwork on Saturday he heads over to the library. 

He’s not sure what he expects to find in there, he doesn’t know any term or slang and he’s sure theres not a book called  _ I Kinda Want To Kiss My Best Friend, Am I Gay?  _ Though that would be useful.

He’s kind of wandering around at this point, he looked at the G section for way too long before realizing it went by author names not books names.

He only has one last hope, and if it's there it probably won't be helpful but he’ll take what he can get.

He heads into the ‘Christ Values’ section.

Sure enough, at the bottom row on the end of the hall is almost the book he’s looking for.

_ How to deal with and fix ‘gay’ kids _

He sandwiches it between a bible and some science book and heads to checkout. 

The lady gives him a look but lets him leave without question.

As he exits he notices a familiar car parked in front of the library.

And because Evan’s luck is always terrible, Connor steps out and immediately eyes his books. 

“Evan?”

“Hi, Connor”

Connor steps towards him, Evan is already hiding the titles of the books, the spines pressing into Evan’s stomach. 

“What books did you check out”

“Um” Evan hugs the books tighter to him. Connor reaches for That Book, Evan takes a step back. 

Connor is still looking at him and Evan is still having some  _ very confusing  _ emotions right now.

“I need to get home”

“I’ll give you a lift”

Evan lets out a breath of relief, smiling at Connor. He sits down for a second, zips open and stuffs the books into his backpack and hops into the car. 

“You never answered my question”

“Hm?”

“What books did you get?”

“Uh.. I just think that.. I might be” Evan shuts up

“You might be a what…” Connor doesn’t seem to be asking a question, more trying to figure what the possibilities could be.

Evan could trust him, right? Connor wouldn’t tell anyone, at least Evan doesn’t think he would. If Connor told him that he was That Way Evan wouldn’t freak out. He’d stay calm, or Evan version of calm which is just a mild form of nervous. 

Connor is tapping on the steering wheel, thinking to himself.

“Gay” Evan keeps his voice low, barely there

Connor perks up a bit, but doesn’t look at Evan, keeps his eyes on the road.

Oh.

He heard.

Connor drops him off at his house, leaves after Evan gets inside. 

Evan goes to bed, this is the closest he can get to disappearing right now.

* * *

They take the route together on Monday they don’t talk.

Connor doesn’t speak up until Wednesday.

“Let me give you a life”

Evan looks up, Connor doesn’t look back.

“Okay”

* * *

Connor takes him to an orchard, Autumn Smile something, Connor still isn’t saying anything

* * *

“You said you were gay?”

“Yeah I think that I am”

* * *

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah”

  
  



End file.
